<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Pretty by hueue</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22623175">Pretty</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hueue/pseuds/hueue'>hueue</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>su has me by the THROAT [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Steven Universe (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Connie and Steven are in LOVE, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gender Identity, Nonbinary Steven, Other, am I projecting? a widdle bit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 08:42:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,425</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22623175</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hueue/pseuds/hueue</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>His hair is getting too long, his dresses in the closet are gathering dust, his makeup sits untouched. He doesn't want to look like her again. </p><p>Or: Steven can't bring himself to cut his hair</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>su has me by the THROAT [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1575244</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>87</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>576</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>STEVEN. NONBINARY.<br/>and this IS projection, thank u very much!<br/>also i DID make art at the end for this bc long-haired steven OWNS. </p><p>i PROMISE im working on my other two su fics lmao, this was just a lil weekend project</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time he wore a dress he was seven years old. </p><p>It had been buried under the mountains of junk in Amethyst’s room when he’d found it while he was hanging out with her one day. His eyes had gone starry and, seeing his wide-eyed excitement, his quasi-big-sister had made quick work of dragging it out from underneath her clothes pile and presented it to him like a knight presenting their sword. </p><p>The dress had been lilac with pretty lace and ruffles, the skirt was embroidered with tiny yellow flowers and the bust bedazzled with many pieces of glitter that sparkled like the crystals jutting out from Amethyst’s floor. He marveled at it, he’d never seen anything so pretty―most of his clothes were just unsold merch from his dad, he’d never had a <em> dress! </em>Amethyst saw his excitement and beckoned him deeper into her room with a smile, he followed with the dress held tightly against his chest until they reached a distinctly different pile where Amethyst somehow produced a full-length mirror from the chaos. </p><p>Steven understood what she was getting at, he excitedly kicked off his sandals and threw off his shirt. It took some work to get into the dress―it had been Amethyst’s and she was taller than him so he was swimming in excess fabric―but eventually, he poked his head out and nearly screamed with happiness. It was <em> pretty! </em>It was definitely too big for him but the fabric swished around his ankles and the rhinestones twinkled in a way that made him happier than anything else, even Cookie Cats! </p><p>He paraded around in Amethyst’s dress for most of the day, soaking in all the praise the others gave him and thinking over how Pearl saw him and wistfully sighed, </p><p>“You look just like your mother.” </p><p>The first time he’d worn a dress <em> outside </em> the house he had been a week away from his twelfth birthday. Dad wouldn’t be in town on the 15th of August due to It’s a Wash related purchases he couldn’t put off for even a day no matter how hard he’d tried; so, to make it up to Steven, he had picked him up from the Temple and vowed to spend the whole day with him. Steven had known <em> exactly </em>what to wear for the occasion―a flowy pink dress with spaghetti straps and little pink roses stitched along the hem; Pearl, who was apparently rather good at sewing, had made it for him during a lull between missions and gifted it to him right before they ran off for another week-long stint to track down some monster. Although he’d never admit it for fear of Pearl chiding him about hygiene, he’d spent almost all of that week in the dress, twirling around the house with a big goofy grin. </p><p>When Dad had come to pick him up he’d happily bounced out the house, the dress bouncing with him with every step. His sandals even matched the dress! What could be better! His dad had looked him over when he crawled into the van and buckled his seatbelts, then smiled and ruffled his hair, “Happy early birthday, goofball.” </p><p>They had gone to the Big Donut to visit Sadie and Lars (Sadie giving him a pleasant ‘You look so cute, Steven!’ while Lars snarked, ‘Is your dance recital tonight or something?’ which earned him a punch from Sadie), then to Funland where he beamed every time his dress fluttered on the rollercoasters, then they just lazed about on the beach among the tourists until sunset, playing their instruments in tandem. It was more comfortable to play in dresses too, though the smooth surface of the ukulele did slide against the sheer fabric. Eventually, Dad had taken him back home, sufficiently exhausted, placed a kiss on his forehead, helped him put his dress away correctly, and tucked him into bed. It was, by all definitions, a perfect day. </p><p> </p><p>(It would take him years until he thought more about that day. That day and the people. Tourists had whispered when Steven skipped by, they had snickered, some took photos of the little boy in his pink dress playing his ukulele when they thought Steven couldn’t see them. Years until he would tense up with anxiety at the thought of those pictures and where they were now. Steven never wore a dress during tourist season again, and for some time, he didn’t know why.)</p><p> </p><p>He wore dresses around town a couple of times after that―makeup, too!―and he still got the same warm and light feeling from them. </p><p>Until he was fourteen on an alien planet, surrounded by dictators whose only wish was to see his planet dead and his friends shattered, wearing the dress of his mom; who turns out, had been dead (<b>gone.</b> ) the whole time and, apparently, wasn’t a fan of cleaning up messes herself. When the Pebbles cobbled together a near-perfect replica of his mother’s original dress, he had been almost <em> excited </em> to put it on. It’d been some time since he wore more feminine clothes―sometimes dresses were swapped out for skirts or cute blouses―and he’d just realized how similar he and his mom were: Two screw-ups who only wanted everybody happy―must be genetic. Then everything went sideways: The Gems were poofed, Stevonnie was thrown into prison, and Steven kept dreaming of <em> her </em> . In the same dress he was trapped in, with <em> his </em>voice playing out some strange parallel mirror version of the situation he was in. It was eerie, to say the least, and definitely did nothing to help his raging identity crisis. </p><p>Once he was free, he took off the dress. </p><p> </p><p>(It wouldn’t be the last time he wore it. Not by a longshot. The Diamonds, Homeworld Gems, aristocratic Gems who looked at Steven like he was less than nothing until one of the Diamonds scooped him up and affectionally chimed ‘Our little Pink ’― they all took him seriously when he wore her dress. Their searing looks melting into one of affection or undying respect once they saw him in that frilly pink outfit. He hated it, the Gems hated it, Connie hated it. It took until Steven had finally outgrown the outfit for them to let him show up in his baby blue star shirt and pink letterman jacket. Sometime after his sixteenth birthday, he arrived at the palace one day in a casual rosewood colored dress―he would never make that mistake again.) </p><p> </p><p>Then came Connie’s school dance, or ‘Homecoming’ as she’d called it. They were going as friends, as best friends, and that was it―he was fine with it, even if the thought of dancing with Connie or even another kiss on the cheek made him turn bright red and had him temporarily lose the ability to form coherent sentences. The only thing that made him more flustered was the thought of what he was going to <em> wear </em> to the event. His mind automatically went to the big, glittery dress hanging up in his clothes but that night when he’d tried it on he could barely tolerate it on his body. It made him want to throw up or hit something or yell at his mom’s portrait again about how she kept <em> taking </em> and <em> taking </em>from him. </p><p>He spent Connie’s homecoming in a tux he’d rented, it was plain and black but wonderfully helped by the bundle of pastel blue flowers Connie had pinned onto his lapel. They danced and while he definitely got as blushy and stupid as he thought he would when Connie placed her hand on his lower back―he couldn’t help staring at the dresses that Connie’s classmates wore. How they swished around their ankles or kicked up when they jumped to the beat, how much he yearned to be wearing one instead of letting his mom ruin something for him <em> again </em>. </p><p>The night ended, he drove Connie back to her house, both of them tired and breathless but happy to have spent the night together. She kept looking at him as he drove, steepling her hands and biting the inside of her cheek. He pretended not to notice, passively humming along to the music from the radio and driving calmly. At some point, Connie finally broke the silence, asking softly, </p><p> “Are you okay?” </p><p>His grip on the steering wheel tightened, he didn’t want to look at her lest she get a full view of how he looked like a deer caught in headlights, “Yeah? Why?” </p><p>“I dunno…you just seemed a little off tonight.”</p><p>“D-Did you not have fun?” if he tightened his grip any further he feared that the wheel might break off in his hands, “I’m sorry, I-I just…I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Hey, hey,” she had placed her hand on his forearm, “I didn’t mean it like that. I had a lot of fun tonight, like a <em> crazy </em>amount of fun with you. It’s just…” she sighed, not one of annoyance but something closer to sympathy, “I just thought you’d wear a dress.” </p><p> </p><p>✧ </p><p> </p><p>He stopped thinking about it at some point. </p><p>There were bigger things for him to worry over than the fact that he couldn’t wear dresses anymore, so he worried over those and forgot about the collection of dresses collecting dust in his closet. For months and months he worked on Little Homeworld, then Little Homeschool, then he worked to keep everybody in his life exactly where they were, all while working on keeping his newfound power from literally blowing something up. It didn’t give him much breathing room to have another older crisis rattling around in his head. The dresses, the skirts, the blouses, and his makeup all sat forgotten in random corners of his room. </p><p>That was until he quit running Little Homeschool. </p><p>The revival wasn’t immediate. He had lazed about his house for weeks, waiting until anybody needed him (to do <em> anything </em>really, he’d even take watching Camp Pining Hearts with Peridot again) and pushing off stormy thoughts from his mind. The Gems hadn’t noticed, obviously―as much as he loved them, they were oblivious when it came to him; once Garnet’s future vision had given up on predicting him, they’d pretty much relied on him to tell them what he was doing. They went off to work in the morning, came back at night and paid no mind that he hadn’t moved from his place on the couch. </p><p>Part of him kind of regretted telling them off for babying him back in December, he could really use a hug from Garnet, or a chat with Pearl, or a gaming session with Amethyst where she bamboozled him into talking about his feelings. But talking would make him a burden and he’d already let them down by stepping down from Little Homeschool―the least he could do is handle himself like a functional almost adult. And he was…for the most part. </p><p>He woke up late on the day his crisis revved back up, he had nowhere to go because absolutely nobody needed him for something but it still felt like he was wasting time. So, he pulled himself out of bed and stumbled downstairs to the bathroom, clumsily getting in the shower. After a minute or two of trying to wake up while lukewarm water sprayed at his skin, he got out of the shower. </p><p>He washed his face, grabbed his toothbrush and reached up to the mirrored cabinet for the toothpaste, and…</p><p>His hair had grown. Really grown. </p><p>It was at his shoulders now, big curls of black hair rested on his damp skin and wisps plastered on his forehead. His hair had always grown fast but he’d been pretty diligent with getting it cut before it got out of hand―he just hadn’t noticed how long his hair was now. He chuckled, running a hand through a particularly large curl, he looked like his dad (<strike> he looked like his mom </strike>). Something in his chest tightened, the dream of him spitting up pink curls while wearing her dress playing in his head. He reached for the scissors that sat in his cabinet, it’d be easy―five minutes and he’d be back to normal, he’d just be normal Steven Universe.  </p><p>But who even <em> was </em>that?</p><p>He left the scissors alone. </p><p> </p><p>✧</p><p> </p><p>He hadn’t known he owned so many hats until he needed them. While the Gems were around or when he went outside to at least see <em> something </em>else other than the ceiling of his bedroom, he tucked his hair into some old beanie and pretended as if everything was fine. </p><p> </p><p>(He had gone out without the hat once and some visiting tourist had called him ‘she’ and the fluttery, light feeling it gave him scared him so, <em> so </em>much)</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t really know why: It was just <em> hair, </em>the Gems wouldn’t care if his hair was a few inches longer than it usually was. Who knows, they might not even notice it! </p><p>But it felt like it needed to be a secret or he’d face some unknown consequence. Some big, bad retribution just because he hadn’t cut his hair yet. Amethyst said something first, while the four of them ate and chatted about their day, she had pointed a casual finger towards him: “So, are you, like, really into hats now or what?” </p><p>He’d stammered his way out of the accusation, feeling like he was going to tear in half if they pushed any further. The rest of the meal had passed without incident even if Steven felt as though a weight was being pressed down on his head.  </p><p>Once they were gone, he took off the hat and stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, his spirals of dark hair bouncing when he moved to examine closer. </p><p><em> Just cut it! </em> He thought as he pulled it back into a messy ponytail using one of Connie’s forgotten scrunchies. <em> Just get it over with and cut it!  </em></p><p>He groaned, pulling at his face with his hands. If he felt so <em> weird </em> about it, why didn’t he just <em> cut it? </em> It’d been nearly two weeks of him sneaking around and he just felt worse each and every day, like he was lying about who he was and was simply pretending to be Steven Universe. But he was <em> him! </em>Nobody else, not even― </p><p> </p><p>(He looked so much like her)</p><p> </p><p>A pink glow rose on his cheeks, he wanted to scream and break something and shave all of his hair off.</p><p>But above everything, he just wanted to cry. </p><p>The glow faded as big, hot tears rolled down his face. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t just be <em> him, </em> why he always had to be some facsimile of <em> her </em>even though everybody in the galaxy knew that she was long, long gone. The bathroom tile was cold and he sunk to the floor and scooted against the wall with a heavy sigh. He thought back to that old stupid daydream that he used to have when he was a kid: Where he was just a normal completely human boy and the Gems were his completely normal human family and his mom was his completely normal human dead mom. No magical war to clean up after, just a void where his mother had been. It was stupid to think about. He…he wouldn’t want most things to be different in his life, he just wanted to have a second to breathe. </p><p>His mom had wanted him to be an extraordinary human being, it was the one thing she said that he was mostly sure wasn’t a complete and utter lie; but he never felt more alien than in that moment, the curls that escaped the ponytail framing his face and being dampened by his crying. </p><p>“Your hair looks nice.”</p><p>His head snapped up at the sound of Connie’s voice. His best friend stood at the doorway in her pajamas with her arms crossed and a sympathetic expression towards the whimpering boy on the tile. </p><p>“Connie!” he gasped, frantically wiping away the tears with his arm, “How did you…?”</p><p>“Lion came and got me. Figured you needed me and” she entered and sat beside him, “I was right.” </p><p>He sniffed, “I’m…I’m fine.”</p><p>“Steven.”</p><p>“I’m sorry I made you come all this way.”</p><p>“Made me?” she scoffed, “You didn’t even know I was <em> here </em> so that’s BS and you know it.”  </p><p>He blinked away another round of tears, “Don’t you have school? Y-You should be at home.”</p><p>“It’s Saturday.” she squeezed his shoulder, “Plus, I’ll take being a little sleepy in Chemistry if it means I can help my favorite Jam Bud.” He smiled at their old nickname but the levity didn’t last long, he gazed down at the tile and tucked a lock of hair behind his ear. Neither of them said anything for a couple moments, he studied the tiles while she tried to catch his attention again. She exhaled, “What’s going on?” </p><p>“I dunno.” he shrugged, “Nothing, I guess.” </p><p>“This isn’t ‘nothing’, you crying in the bathroom isn’t anywhere <em> near </em>‘nothing’.” </p><p>He winced, “I mean yo…it’s not something you can <em> fix.”  </em></p><p>“Hey.” Connie gently grabbed his face and turned it towards her, her big brown eyes focused on him, “I don’t want to ‘fix’ it, I’m not here to ‘fix’ anything―I’m here so you can talk to somebody.” </p><p> </p><p>(Not here. They could see him.) </p><p> </p><p>“C-Can we do it somewhere else? Not in here?” he shifted, “The Gems, they…they could walk in.”</p><p>She nodded, getting off the floor and offering him her hand. He took it. </p><p>He led them out of the house and into the observatory/greenhouse, the budding flowers and hanging plants filling the dome. Connie marveled for a second, “This is new.” </p><p>“Yeah, I’m trying gardening now.” he sat on the Homeworld Warp, he stiffened at the thought of going to Homeworld in his state, he slid off the Warp and onto the cool floor, “I have a lotta free time now that I’m not running the school.” </p><p>“What? You aren’t running the school anymore? Since when?” </p><p>His stomach sank, “I didn’t tell you. Oh, I-I’m sorry, I haven’t talked to you in so long, I’m so sor―”</p><p>She halted him with a raise of her hand, “Steven. Stop apologizing. I’m <em> not </em> mad at you.” she sat on the Warp beside him, “We’ve both been busy, I know that you wouldn’t <em> purposely </em> not talk to me. That’s <em> my </em>department.” she half-exhaled, half-laughed, “I was just asking a question. Nothing more, nothing less, okay?”   </p><p>He nodded, “Sor―Okay.” he sighed, “Running the school just got hard. Not physically but, like, psychologically? The Off-Colors graduated and I felt like somebody punched me in the gut, then Lars went back into space and he and Sadie aren’t dating anymore―or they never were?―and Sadie has this new partner and now Sadie Killer and the Suspects aren’t even a <em> thing </em> anymore and…” she didn’t interrupt him or ask him to repeat any of his ramblings, she just placed her hand on his shoulder, “It was too much, I guess. Everything changed without me being there and without <em> me </em>changing.”</p><p>“You have changed, though.” she replaced a lock of hair behind his ear, “I mean, your hair is new.”</p><p>“Not a good new.” </p><p>“Oh.” she swallowed, “Do you not like it?” </p><p>“No, I mean, yes, that’s the problem. I <em> really </em> like it. I just…! With this hair, I look so much like <em> HER!”  </em></p><p>“Is that bad?”</p><p>“Yes, of course, it is! I’m not her!”</p><p>“I know, trust me. But you’re still her son―it’s genetics, you’re going to look like her.” </p><p>“But why!? I don’t want to look like her! I want to look like <em> Steven </em> but I don’t even know what sh― <em> he </em>looks like anymore!” </p><p>Connie took a second before speaking again, “What do you want him to look like?” </p><p>All the fire building up in him dissipated, “Huh?”</p><p>“What do you want Steven to look like?” </p><p>He blinked, he hadn’t expected that question, “I…I don’t really know.” </p><p>“That’s okay.” she leaned closer to him, her own silky black hair resting on her shoulders, “Do the Gems know? About any of this?”</p><p>“No. I’ve been hiding my hair and stuff and they don’t really see me that often because of work.” </p><p>“Why’ve you been hiding your hair?” </p><p>“I felt like I had to.” he admitted, he didn’t have a good lie for the situation. Connie narrowed her eyes, </p><p>“I don’t think they’d be weirded out by this, Steven. They’ve never really cared about this sort of stuff. I mean, you used to wear dresses and makeup all the time.”</p><p>“Yeah. I used to.” frustrated tears threatened to spill out, he bit them back, “But my mom ruined it for me―just like she ruins everything for me.” he threw his hands around as he spoke, “I like dresses but I can’t wear them anymore because it makes me feel like I’m back on Homeworld in <em> her </em> dress, I like makeup but I can’t wear it because then I look too much like that dumb portrait of her, and I <em> like </em> when people call me ‘she’ but I can’t stop thinking that they’re only doing that because they think I’m <em> her!”  </em></p><p>“Do you want people to call you ‘she’?” </p><p>He inhaled sharply, “What?”</p><p>“You said you like when people refer to you with ‘she’.” she gazed down at him, Steven felt like he was going to fall apart, “Do you want people to start doing that?”</p><p>He swallowed the spit gather in his mouth, his eyes searching for anything else to look at that wasn’t Connie’s inquisitive eyes, “I don’t know.” </p><p>“Have you been thinking about going by ‘she’?”</p><p>“I don’t know. Maybe, a little bit. I don’t…I dunno.” he picked at his arm, “It’s just…when I was younger, I was a boy because people told me I was, y’know? Like, I never really questioned it because I was just a boy and that’s it. But now, I don’t know if I am…a boy.” </p><p>“Do you think you’re a girl instead?” her voice was calm and even, she was rubbing circles against his back. </p><p>“No, not really. Girl feels wrong but boy feels also wrong, it’s weird. I-It’s probably just some weird alien stuff.”</p><p>Connie clicked her tongue, “I don’t think it is, Steven.” she slid off the Warp pad so she was shoulder-to-shoulder with him, “Do you know what nonbinary is?” </p><p>“Non-what?”</p><p>“Binary.” she said, “People who’re nonbinary aren’t boys or girls, they’re just…people. It’s more complicated than that and I’m not really the person to explain it but I think it’s a label that might work for you You can use she, or he, or they―whatever makes you comfortable.” </p><p>He took in Connie’s words, it felt like a puzzle piece had snapped into place, “Like Shep.”</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“Sadie’s partner. They’re really cool, they're good for eachother.”</p><p>“Yeah, like Shep then.” </p><p>He absent-mindedly toyed with his hair, “How…Can I even <em> be </em>nonbinary?” </p><p>“You don’t really have to <em> do </em> anything, there’s no paperwork, silly.” she joked, “You just have to be <em> you, </em>and you’re already so good at that.” </p><p>“Am I?” he muttered, “All these people are changing and leaving and nobody needs me anymore. I spent my entire childhood trying to be my mom and now I guess I’m realizing that I…that I have no idea who I am. I feel like I’m going crazy.” </p><p>Connie frowned, standing and motioning for him to follow her. He did, she grabbed his hand and led him back to his room wordlessly. Steven fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, trying to keep his mounting panic from showing on his face. </p><p>
  <em> You said too much! </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You scared her off! </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You freaked her out! </em>
</p><p>He stood frozen in the middle of his room as Connie went to his closet and pulled out a bright yellow container that was plastered with metallic smiley face stickers. She sat on one of his beanbag chairs and motioned for him to sit on the one opposite it, he obeyed. Connie inhaled and cracked open the container―it was all his makeup. A horde of drugstore makeup along with the more upscale kinds his dad had bought for him in every color under the sun. He looked up to Connie, the warm light of his room and the way her hair framed her face making it so hard to breathe. </p><p>“Let me tell you about Steven Quartz Universe.” she opened a pallet of pale pink blush and grabbed a brush, she patted the brush into the blush, “He is the kindest, most wonderful person I’ve ever met.” she dusted the blush onto his cheeks, “He is my first friend I made and the best friend I will ever have, he kept a glowstick bracelet I dropped in the fridge for a <em> year </em>just in case he met me again so he could give it back. And I still have it.” she swapped out the blush for eyeshadow, opting for a shimmering gold color,</p><p> “They saved the galaxy before they turned fifteen and still help people in little ways every single day. <em> I </em>need them, not for some big magical destiny but because they’re Steven Quartz Universe and I love them. I love their hair, too.” she ran her hand through his hair, his face went red; she grabbed glittery lipgloss and swiped it over his lips, </p><p>“She’s still figuring things out and that’s okay, that’s more than okay.” she put the makeup back in the closet, her hands hesitated in the air before she pulled out something―a dress. It was black and simple with small yellow stars lining the bottom, Connie looked back to him with a silent question. He nodded. </p><p>Connie continued, “She’s beautiful and handsome and dapper. She’s <em> eerily </em> good at Lonely Blade and could kick anybody’s butt at it but pretends to not know how to play whenever I play with her.” she handed him the dress, turning around to give him privacy as he changed into it, “She isn’t her mom. She’s better than she <em> ever </em> was.” Steven’s hands froze, the dress still fit fine. He blinked away tears before Connie could see. Connie came close and reached up to his ponytail, undoing it and letting his hair fall down, “She does steal scrunchies, though.” </p><p>“Sorry.” he chuckled, picking at his arms.</p><p>“And she apologizes too much.” She grabbed his letterman jacket off his bed, Steven gratefully took it and slipped it on. Connie took his hands, it felt like lightning was arching up his spine, “She’s half-human. He’s half-gem. And, no matter what,” she moved her hands up to his face, tenderly cupping his face, “I want to be a part of their universe.” </p><p>His body moved before his brain could think, closing the gap between their faces and pressing his lips against Connie’s with the force of four years of loving somebody so deeply and completely. His brain caught up and he moved away stammering, </p><p>“Sorry, I didn’t ask, uh, I―umph!” </p><p>Connie pulled him back, kissing him back with her hands lost in his mass of curly hair. It felt like supernovas were going off in his head, every other problem he’d been dealing with completely forgotten. They weren’t fixed and that was fine, they were just a little less heavy in his mind. They pulled apart, both blushing red and giggling. Connie smirked, “Not to mention, they’re a <em> great </em>kisser.” </p><p>“...I think I want to do ‘she’.” Connie raised her eyebrows, “Not forever, just for right now. Just with you.”</p><p>“Alright.” she grabbed her hand and directed her attention to the mirror across from them, “Well then, Steven Quartz Universe, how does she feel?” </p><p>Steven looked in the mirror. She looked strange and familiar. Her face was bright red with eyeshadow smeared from tears, her lipgloss a bit smudged. Her hair was frizzy and fell in funny ways around her shoulders. Her jacket looked strange over her dress. She smiled, big and goofy, </p><p>“Pretty.”</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>epic gamer moment when you add a chapter to a fanfic 3 months and a pandemic later<br/>i have no idea why but it's always right after a jam week that i write something for this, that's magic</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took some time to get used to things. </p><p>Time to come to terms with something they’d known but refused to look head on at for so long. They were a new person in some aspects, Steven from three weeks ago and Steven at the moment were strangers―which was odd to consider.  </p><p>But they were happier than they had been for a time. Not exactly capital ‘H’ Happy but at a point where when they woke up and groaned ‘you can do it’ they 95% believed it―that was good enough at the moment. The two of them could live with a little secret that didn’t have to do with something horrible that had occurred. It was <em> fun! </em>An innocent sort of fun Steven hadn’t had in a while, nothing was at stake, nobody could be hurt; it was just them and Connie. </p><p>Another bit of fun that’d come out from them, well, <em> coming out </em>had been that Connie kissed them far more often than she had before. None as intense as their first but mostly regulated to quick pecks on the cheek or the forehead before she left to go home that left them sputtering and red-faced for longer than they cared to admit. </p><p>The Gems didn’t know yet, neither did their dad or anybody around town. Whenever they talked to Connie about the pit of guilt they felt for hiding it, she assured them that they didn’t <em> owe </em> anybody knowledge about their new self unless Steven themself wanted somebody other than her to know. They did! But at the same time...they didn’t. There was no doubt in their mind that their family would be supportive but they didn’t know if they were ready to enter a new era of being Steven Universe―where <em> everybody </em> knew and everybody could pick it apart. It was fine that their family didn’t know, they were okay with masculine pronouns still and they hadn’t decided to go by a different name (for a moment they considered going by Nora but it reminded them too much of <em> her</em>...it was a name she picked out after all), it was okay that their family still thought of them as Steven Universe the Boy. </p><p>At some point though...it began to feel like they were in too deep.</p><p>Just like their hair, it felt like a secret they <em> needed </em>to keep. So, one night, after waking up from another dream where the floor opened beneath them and they tumbled alone into nothingness―they cut their hair. Right back to where it had been. They could return all of the scrunchies they’d swiped from Connie, they could go back to regular Steven. </p><p>The Gems didn’t say anything when they came down the next day with their haphazard haircut done with craft scissors at 2 am the night before because it had felt like <em> now or never</em>. Either they cut their hair or everybody would know, everybody would know that they're complicating things again, that they're such a burden. </p><p>Connie had said something, she looked at them with sloping eyes and accepted her stolen scrunchies quietly and said, “I thought you liked it.”</p><p>They shrugged, already searching for an exit from the conversation, “I did.” </p><p>Then they had left. They had just gotten in the Dondai...and left. Every conversation felt like a countdown lately―time hastily ticking away until the person would see how Steven was fraying at the edges, no longer the perfect picture of perfectionthat they all knew and loved. </p><p>It was fine. Everything is fine. Nobody needed to know.</p><p>They wouldn't let Connie see them break, that was out of the question; the roller skating rink had come close but they’d fused and Steven had felt so <em> right! </em> So capital ‘H’ <em> Happy!  </em></p><p>Which led to the proposal...and what happened after it. </p><p>It felt like they were violently, mercilessly plummeting to the rock bottoms to end all rock bottoms for so long that things began to blend together―one second they were on one knee asking Connie to spend forever with them, the next they were glowing brighter than a star in a hospital room cracking glass with their desperate voice, then they were yelling at their dad about how <em> unfair </em> it was that he got everything Steven could never have. <em> He </em> got two parents who he saw every night, he got to go to school and make friends his age, he probably didn’t know what nonbinary <em> was― </em> he could never understand Steven, they were so, so stupid to think otherwise. </p><p>Then...then came Jasper. </p><p>The second person they had come out to. Jasper. </p><p>It was around the second day, right after she’d tossed boulders their way and scoffed at how they winced. They were Pink more often than not, they were angry and it felt <em> amazing</em>. </p><p>“Jasper.” they grunted, healing up what was probably another broken bone already buzzing to get back to training, “I’m nonbinary.” </p><p>She didn’t miss a beat, in typical Jasper fashion, “I don’t care.” </p><p>They grinned, creating a barrier and slamming it against her, “Good.” </p><p>Barely twenty-four hours later they were knelt in front of their bathtub, all the manic excitement gone, begging for Jasper to return. She did. Then she bowed and called them her Diamond, staunch devotion staining her words. </p><p>Okay. </p><p>They felt their chest tighten and the world unfocus around them.</p><p>Okay. </p><p>Blood rushed in their ears, they couldn’t breathe. They <em> shouldn’t </em>breathe, they don’t deserve to. All they do is lie and hurt people, Steven Universe didn’t do that―they were someone else, how long had they been this person?</p><p>Homeworld was a bust in a <em> spectacular </em> fashion. The whole time the Diamonds lectured them one what they needed and how they were all so <em>good </em> now, they could only think about how at some point they’d have to tell all three of them that: <em>G</em><em>uess what! </em> They were <em> fine </em> with being called she now! And they’d get that glimmer in their eyes, one that showed how much they <em> wished </em>they were her instead, how much they hoped that one day they would be her. </p><p>After the incident with White it felt like their body was switched to autopilot, like some part of them had decided that they had done <em> enough </em>. They ended up back home, staggering back at the sight of their blatant Diamond eyes in the reflection of the TV. The walls felt like they were closing in because...because…</p><p>
  <em> This isn’t right!  </em>
</p><p>No, <em> no! </em> Of course, duh! This isn’t right, they’re Steven Universe, there’s no <em> way </em> they could’ve done all those silly (<em>horrible) </em> things. Steven Universe helped people! Steven didn’t slip up, not even once! Steven <em> wasn’t </em> nonbinary! He was so silly! Why did he ever think he was?</p><p>(This isn’t right.) </p><p>He helped Peridot and Garnet, and Bismuth, too! He even helped with Amethyst’s baseball game (and destroyed a house or two), everything was fine! Sure, he had a splitting headache and it felt like the tiny tears at his edges had become gaping segments missing, but he was finally Steven again! The Gems said they were worried but they were <em> wrong! </em> <b> <em>This </em> </b>was who everybody missed! </p><p>Maybe that’s why Steven didn’t understand why they all cornered him with concern written on their faces. Everything was okay again! <em> Finally!  </em></p><p>Even if he had shattered Jasper and had a few not so nice (<em>horrifyingly violent </em> ) thoughts towards White Diamond―that didn’t <em> matter! </em> His family didn’t <em> need </em> to care, he had it under control! He could keep going forever and they’d never even know! And that was...that was…</p><p>That was awful. </p><p>That was <em> horrible.  </em></p><p>How long had they let him get away with being <em> like this? </em> How long had he convinced himself that he wasn’t <em> like that?  </em></p><p>He was following his Mom’s footsteps with deadly accuracy, retracing and improving on her path of left behind Gems and secrets. He thought back to the locks of sheared hair in his wastebasket. </p><p>He was an awful person.</p><p>He was a fraud.</p><p>
  <em> They were a monster.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>✧</p><p> </p><p>A few days after their meltdown, they were sitting up in bed. The scars running up their back aching with every movement, they had tried healing them with their spit but their powers were all but kaput after their...corruption? Sure, call it a corruption. </p><p>Connie slept beside them, hair slightly mussed up and her hand against their back. Thankfully, both their and Connie’s parents hadn’t protested too much to them sleeping in the same bed―it helped immensely whenever Steven woke up, sweating and panicking to see that Connie was still there. That she’d seen the absolute worst of them and still, she stayed.  </p><p>They needed Connie today more than ever. </p><p>Keeping secrets hadn’t gone well...honestly, it’d gone the worst anything could possibly go. So they were done with secrets, everybody close to them now knew that they weren’t exactly doing well, and they were tired of holding onto any secrets. </p><p>Connie stirred awake, giving them a tired smile once she opened her eyes, “Mornin’, how are you doing? Be honest.” </p><p>She added that caveat to almost every sentence now. They made a so-so gesture, “My back hurts, I guess, but it’s okay.” </p><p>Connie shook her head, “No, it isn’t. Where’s your aspirin?” </p><p>They grabbed the small box of stuff Pearl had brought up with her during one of her check-ins and grabbed one of the several bottles of aspirin. They twisted the cap off and took two, Connie made a face, </p><p>“God, you swallow pills <em> dry?” </em>she rolled over and brought out her water bottle, forcing them to take a sip, “You maniac.” she cringed, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”</p><p>“S’okay.” they assured. Ever since their rant during their (what Dr. Maheswaran had called it) manic episode, everybody treated them with kid gloves. Nobody was allowed to say anything vaguely mean to Steven because they were already thinking it about themself. They didn’t like it, they just wanted things to be <em> normal </em>again, “I-I’m thinking of doing something today…”</p><p>She sat up, “Steven, I don’t think the Gems are gonna―”</p><p>“I’m on house arrest, I know.” their dad currently had their car keys and one of the Gems came upstairs to check if they hadn’t run off again regularly, there was no way they <em> wouldn’t </em>know they were on house arrest, “I wasn’t talking about going outside, I just meant...I want…I want to come out to them today. Just get it out there.” </p><p>“Oh! Okay, well, great!” </p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“You don’t sound excited.” </p><p>“I’m not? I dunno. I want to tell them but I’m scared about things...I don’t know.”</p><p>She carefully laced her fingers between his, “I’ll be right by you the whole time, okay?” </p><p>Warmth raced to their cheeks, they couldn’t stop a quiet, goofy smile from spreading across their face, “Okay.” </p><p>They hopped out of bed, Connie looked caught off guard, “Wait. Right now?”</p><p>“No time like the present, right?” </p><p>A smile spread across her face, she slipped out of bed and cupped their face planting a loving kiss on their lips, “Proud of you.”</p><p>Their face went redder than red, “Aah! Connie!! Now they're gonna wonder why I’m so red!” </p><p> “Better than pink!” she commented, kissing them in rapid succession all over their face despite their giggling protests. Steven playfully pushed her away, before wrapping her up in a tight hug,</p><p>“Jeez, I don’t deserve you.”</p><p>She squeezed them tighter, “Yes, you do. You deserve everything and more, dummy.” they split up, “So, any idea what you want to say?”</p><p>“Not a clue.” they admitted, “I think if I think about it then I’ll <em> overthink </em> and get so, like, anxious that I’ll back out so...no plan,” they gave her a pleading look, “but please, <em> please </em>, stop me if I start spiralling.” </p><p>“Of course. Ready?”</p><p>They took a deep breath, “Ready.”</p><p>Everybody was downstairs as expected, they’d started all being in the house more often to give Steven ‘more access to family’ or something like that. When the two of them reached the landing, Steven could feel all their eyes turn to them and, boy, if it didn’t make their anxiety skyrocket. </p><p>“Mornin’, Ste-man! ‘Sup, Con!” Amethyst greeted, looking up from the video game that blinked a message stating a need for a player two. She’d been trying to keep them occupied every hour of the day, it was a little annoying but it was nice to hang out with her like old times. </p><p>“Hey, guys…” they said, pointedly refusing to look at the tarp covered front wall. </p><p>“Steven!” Pearl raised a plate stacked high with pancakes, “Greg and I made breakfast.”</p><p>“They have strawberries in them.” Garnet stated. </p><p>Their dad was next to speak, gently pulling a chair from the table, “Now, you don’t have to eat it all, Steven, but you need to eat something.” </p><p>The focus of them made their skin crawl because they <em> knew </em>why they were all being so gentle and caring to them. It was because they’d completely broken down and they all felt guilty. They swallowed the rising guilt and shame and took Connie’s hand, “Th-Thanks but I, um, I have something I want to tell you guys.”</p><p>Amethyst glanced down at their interlocked hands, “God. Finally. Pearl! Pay up, I knew it’d be this year.” </p><p>“What?” Steven cringed, “No, no. Oh, my god, it’s not that but―you guys had a <em> bet? </em> Since <em> when?”  </em></p><p>Pearl sheepishly shrugged, “Since you two first fused…” </p><p>Connie snorted, Steven blushed furiously, “Ignoring that! It’s something more...serious, I guess?”</p><p>Their dad sat down in the chair he had pulled out, “Go ahead, son. You can tell us anything.” </p><p>“Anything at all.” Garnet chimed. They walked down and sat on the couch with Connie right beside them, part of them was screaming to just go back upstairs and sleep away the day just to avoid the conversation but that was the same part that caused them to corrupt―so they weren’t too keen on listening. Their family looked at them expectantly.</p><p>
  <em> Okay, Steven. Just say something. </em>
</p><p>“Nonbinary.” they blurted out, “I-I am nonbinary…” </p><p>
  <em> That counts as something, sure. </em>
</p><p>Pearl raised an eyebrow, “Er, congrats, Steven...but what does that―”</p><p>“I’m not-I’m not a boy, I don’t...I don’t <em> feel </em>like a boy anymore a-and I haven’t for a while. But, like, I’m not a girl either and, well, so I’m nonbinary.” </p><p>Greg nodded, moving from his chair so he could sit right by Steven, he placed his arm around them, “That’s amazing, Steven! I’m so proud of you...how long have you...known?” </p><p>“Couple months. I-I just didn’t know how t-to tell you guys, I didn’t want to confuse anybody. Only Connie knew...and Jasper.” they added quietly, their family blinked, </p><p>
  <em> “Jasper!?”  </em>
</p><p>“Steven, you told <em> Jasper?” </em>Connie questioned, flabbergasted, they shrugged. She groaned, “Okay, whatever, fine.” </p><p>They bounced their leg, “You aren’t...confused? You don’t think it’s weird?” </p><p>Greg shook his head, “Shep explained it all to me during the tour, Stchu-ball, I could give you their number if you want to talk about it with somebody who gets it.”</p><p>Steven nodded, “Yeah! Yeah, that’d be really nice,” </p><p>“Is Steven still okay with you? You can tell us if you want to go by something different.” </p><p>They hadn’t expected that question, they hadn’t expected it to go so...so <em> well </em> , “Steven is good, I-I like my name but, um, I’m kinda using different pronouns.” he waited for <em> something </em> , some exasperated cry because they were being so <em> complicated― </em> first they get diagnosed with C-PTSD, depression, and anxiety and <em> now </em>they’re nonbinary?―but it didn’t come. It was just the patient faces of their family, “I’m using they/them right now but I’m still okay with going by he/him and, uh, she/her, too…I know it’s weird but―” </p><p>“Steven, dude.” Amethyst put a steady hand on their bouncing knee, “It isn’t weird, it’s just you. Like, Gems don’t even <em> have </em>a gender, why would this be weird?”</p><p>“I don’t know! It’s just I keep changing things up a-and you all keep having to catch up because I’m so <em> annoying </em> and I...I…” tears blurred their vision, <em> “I don’t deserve this.” </em> </p><p>An assault of hugs crushed them, Garnet removed her visor so they could see the intensity in her eyes, “Steven Universe, you deserve this. We love you so, so much―no matter who you decide to be.”</p><p>Pearl breathed out, “We haven’t been there for you but we are now and we aren’t letting you do this alone.” </p><p>“We got you, Steven.” Amethyst whispered, “Always.” </p><p>They managed a watery smile, “You guys…” </p><p>“Shep better be ready,” their dad chuckled, “cause I’ve got a lot of questions on how I can be the best dad to the best kid in the universe. I’m gonna get you one of those flags they got, how about it?” </p><p>Steven nodded, “Yeah, Dad. That sounds great.” they melted into the hug, “This is all so great. I love you, guys.”</p><p>“We love you, Steven.”</p><p>✧</p><p> </p><p>One more person didn’t know.</p><p>All the Gems and all of Beach City knew now―Amethyst had paraded them around town on her shoulders with a yellow-white-purple-black flag tied around their neck whooping and hollering about her ‘insanely cool sibling’.</p><p>But still, one more person didn’t know.  </p><p>It was raining and they were staring up at the ceiling, at the dim glow of the glow-in-the-dark stars they’d stuck to it years ago. The idea they had was stupid and they knew that―it was something that would only hurt them but it was something they <em> needed </em>to do. The closest thing to closure they would get. </p><p>The floor creaked as they ventured down into the dark house, luckily the Gems had decided to give their constant vigil for them a break for a night. They reached the living room and squinted at the sudden soft pink light that flooded it, the door to their mother’s room was already opened. </p><p>They were really doing this. </p><p>Before the idea could be overthought into oblivion, they rushed into the room; the cold tile gave way to the squishy clouds that made up the room. The door shut behind them, they knew what to do now. </p><p>“Hey, Room.” they said, awkwardly waving, “It’s been a while, huh?” </p><p>
  <em> Just do it already. </em>
</p><p>“Room. I want to see Pink Diamond.” </p><p>The clouds responded to their request, molding and forming until they were met with a perfect copy of themself. </p><p>“Ha ha, very funny. You know what I meant, I want to see Pink.” </p><p>Their copy didn’t budge, they sighed, their resolve crumbling by the moment, </p><p>“Please, I-I just want to see my mom.” </p><p>Finally, their copy dissipated, the clouds twisting and turning until a perfect replica of Pink Diamond towered over them. She looked just like she had in all of their dreams, quietly staring down on them. She was pretty, pretty like a photograph taken a long, long time ago―seen through lense after lense of loss, love, anger, and nostalgia. They had the same eyes and hair. She knelt, </p><p>“Hello, Steven.” </p><p>That voice held so much weight to it. Because it was <em> her’s </em>...a voice they only heard in videos, it was her’s. There was something about knowing that it was their mom’s voice―Steven had never acted like having a dead mom bothered them much but it did, deep down. Whenever he saw Connie hug Dr. Maheswaran before they went out or how Lars’ mom fixed his hair even though he was a zombie space captain now or how much Barb cared about Sadie, it was like a punch directly to their stomach. Even if this Pink Diamond wasn’t real, it was realest they’d ever get to see her. </p><p>“Hi, Mom.” they whispered, throwing themself into her outstretched arms and holding on as tight as they could. Her arms curled around them, the illusion was so tauntingly believable, she even smelled like saltwater just like Steven had always imagined. They shook their head, they couldn’t get caught up in having their mom with them. They sighed heavily, “I’m so, so mad at you.” </p><p>“I know.” came her simple reply. </p><p>“You hurt so many people and never told anybody, you left me to clean up your messes.”</p><p>“I never wanted you to, I just wanted you to exist.”  </p><p>“I-I know.” they buried their face in the fabric of her outfit, “I’m just...I don’t know what to do, Mom.” </p><p>“Do you think I knew what to do?” </p><p>“Huh?” </p><p>She sighed, “I became Rose Quartz because being Pink Diamond didn’t make me happy but that was just the first step―Rose Quartz worked as hard as she could to make up for what Pink Diamond had done, it never seemed...enough.”  she pulled away from them, they looked up so they could meet her eyes, “Until you. You, my <em> beautiful </em> child,” she cupped their face with her gloved hands, “you’re able to change and grow. Something I could never do, I could never look back. Spinel, Bismuth, Homeworld, I didn’t allow myself to look back. But <em> you </em> , you came back to see me. That’s incredible, Steven. You’re everything I wanted you to be. You’re <em> you </em>.” </p><p>The gentleness in her voice caused tears to spring from their eyes, they frantically wiped them away. </p><p>“Are you alright, Steven?” </p><p>“Y-Yeah, Mom.” they blinked and looked up, Pink Diamond no longer stood there, it was just Rose Quartz. They had the same nose. She looked at them like they had hung the stars in the sky, she wordlessly opened her arms and they fell into them, “I-It’s weird, I-I know this is fake but it st-still feels so nice. You’re j-just made up from my memories, I’m just talking to myself.” </p><p>“Sure,” she said, her big hands tenderly stroking their curls, “but look at how proud of yourself you are.” </p><p>They breathed out a watery laugh, the clouds lazily moved overhead. Tears dripped onto her dress, she kept stroking their hair. </p><p>“Goodbye, Mom.” they whispered, squeezing one last time. </p><p>“Goodbye, Steven.” </p><p>Their arms held nothing as the clouds that created her disappeared back into the air, leaving them alone in a sea of pink and white. They fell back onto the clouds, savoring the scent of saltwater and the warmth of being them.</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i have so many feelings about rose and steven it's unreal<br/>i heard connie's strong as fuck, i heard she's ripped</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>steven throughout this entire fic: idk im not nb, i just dont think about gender ever and i like going by different pronouns and i love being seen as a Not Boy<br/>connie, proud owner of a braincell: ok</p><p>so yeah! this is kinda my jam bud week entry that follows not One of the prompts babey! </p><p>yell with me abt this:<br/>@spooksier on tumblr<br/>@spooksierr on insta</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>